E-Mail of the Day

This is an email I received early on from a Browns fan. Granted, I've since eliminated the Browns, but after reading this I can't help but wonder if it was a huge mistake.  Ok, maybe not, but it's a funny e-mail nevertheless.

I have been a Brown’s fan since I was about 8, which is tough to explain since I grew up in Washington DC while the Redskins were at their peak. In any event, since our franchise is not responding in a timely manner, I would like to take up the banner on our behalf.

Let me explain why the Browns are the way to go. Right now you are getting in at rock bottom. This is important to true fandom since you can then talk about the sad times; your expectations are minimal; and things can only get better. Not only does this give you credibility, it has other benefits as well:
1) Merchandise is generally much cheaper.

2) If and when the team achieves greatness you will enjoy it more. For instance, were you to shack up with the Steelers you have nothing but frustration and impossible expectations ahead of you.

3) You will get to continue being a huge college football fan, since the biggest win on your horizon is the draft.

4) You are not geographically bound. Let's face it, anyone who is not from New York but swears they bleed for the Yankees is just douchey. Same goes for non-Dallas connected Cowboys fans, etc. Bad teams don't have this problem, no one cares, and people who are from there are just glad the outside world knows they still exist.

5) You can just complain about the coach or ownership and immediately sound knowledgeable and tuned in.

Taking these five point into consideration, the Browns are a perfect team to fall in love with. To wit:

(1) You can get gear for a steal right now. (see, Stallworth jersey on ebay. Sale expected on Quinn shortly.)

(2) We are horrid. Suffering through this season will give you a foundation to enjoy anything that comes next. The only thing we are looking forward to is the draft. (Fun fact - did you know that our team was so stacked at QB this year we traded down from the 6th pick all the way to the second round?! Second fun fact - that guy who went 6th in the draft is a QB who is 3-0 as a starter right now. Third fun fact, we've gone 9 games without a touchdown, which is odd because of our high draft status.)

(3) You can actually show your true colors by being a huge college fan and discussing how much (insert any player at any position) will help get the (insert offense, defense, and/or special teams) straightened out.

(4) If you are sporting a Brown's hat, jersey, shirt or even brown pants that have nothing to do with the team, other Brown's fans will immediately appreciate you and no one will find you douchey. It becomes an easy conversation starter. Everyone else will immediately assume you are a person of good character who doesn't jump ship at the first sign of trouble.

(5) Finally, when you do encounter your new brothers in arms, you can immediately fit in by bashing the coaching (Mangini) and owners (Lerners) and discussing how much better it will be when (insert high-profile out of work coach/college coach) is hired, and/or LeBron James buys the team.

To put some nice 22's on this Bentley, the Browns are also gambling locks right now. No matter how many points they are getting (and yes, they are ALWAYS getting), you can take the opponent and roll the game into a two-team parlay. Love that pays - you can't ask for more.

Some other compelling facts - the Dawg Pound predates the Black Hole and the Lambeau Leap. Because the division is so good, many games are often nationally televised. When's the last time you saw the Lions or Chiefs on TV? Since you are an Alabama fan, you can already appreciate the subtle uniforms and a team identified by color only. If you travel to see the game, you can also see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. What is there to see in St. Louis or Buffalo? A team from the AFC North has won 30% of the last 10 Super Bowls. Let's see any of the other bad teams on the league compete with an almost 1-3 chance of winning the Super Bowl each year.

All of this is based on the present, without even getting into the storied history of the franchise. While I find it highly doubtful that any other team can put together such a tight argument in support of your loyalty, I would invite the opportunity to respond to any one who tries.
I know it is early for you to commit, but sometimes right just happens fast. Look at Carmen Elektra and Dennis Rodman. Those two starry-eyed love birds should give us all hope.

Best Regard,

Director of Community Outreach and Fan Recruitment